I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
