I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
