Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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