I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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