my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
