youre lurking in front of me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
