he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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