woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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