life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
