her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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