U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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