Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
