im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
