guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
