He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
