i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
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I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
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He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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