She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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