please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
