i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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