meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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