My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
