dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
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Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize