i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
