I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
