I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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