see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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