Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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