She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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