genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
