Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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