Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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