Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
