census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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