My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
