Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
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i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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