Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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