I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
