No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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