Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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