He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have fence marks all over my body
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
