Swine flu. Run for my life!
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
