Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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