I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
