...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
