how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
