The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
