I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
