an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
