there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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