like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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