Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Come on in and take your pants off
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
