Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
