it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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