it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
