Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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