Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize