dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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