You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
