Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
