Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
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she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
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I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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